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Congressman 
Pumphrey 

the  Peoples  Frienc 


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John 


MXutcheon 


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Congressman  Pumphrey 
The  People"* s  Friend 


^iM 


E.  Joseph  Pumphrey,  M.  C. 


Congressman  Pumphrey 
The  People's  Friend 


By 


John  T.  McCutcheon 


With  Cartoons  by 
The  Author 


Indianapolis 

The  Bohbs'Merrill  Company 

Publishers 


-=^ 


Copyright  1907 
The  Bobbs- Merrill  Company 

March 


^ 


-v;y7^ 


THE  CARTOONS 

IN  THIS  BOOK  ARB  REPRINTED  THROUGH 
THE  COURTESY  OF  THE  CHICAGO  TRIBUNE 
WHERE  MOST  OF  THEM  FIRST  APPEARED 


4G4020 


INTRODUCING 
HON.  E.  JOSEPH  PUMPHREY,  M.  C. 

I  wish  the  Honorable  Pumphrey  would  get 
around  to  roll-call  a  little  oftener.  He's  neglect- 
ing his  opportunities.  He  ought  to  drop  in  oa 
us  occasionally  while  he's  passing.  I'd  like  to 
help  him  along.  I  hear  of  him  once  in  a  while, 
but  I  don't  believe  I  remember  ever  having 
actually  seen  him  among  the  Congressmen  at 
our  end  of  the  Capitol  building.  Consequently, 
I  am  forced  to  infer  that  he  must  be  either  very 
particular  or  constitutionally  weary.  In  either 
case  he  need  not  be  lonesome,  for  we  have  both 
kinds.  I  don't  know  what  legislation  Pumphrey 
is  concerning  himself  in — whether  it's  good  or 
"bad — but  in  either  case  he  will  not  accomplish 
much  by  conducting  a  ''gum  shoe"  campaign 
in  Congress.  Let  him  raise  his  eloquent  voice 
in  the  House  once  in  a  while,  even  if  it's  only 
to  respond  to  roll-call.  He  shouldn't  hide  his 
light  under  a  bushel — or  any  other  kind  of 
measure,  for  that  matter. 

I've  heard  something  of  Pumphrey  as  an  ora- 
tor.    If  what  I've  heard  is  true,  he  should  hasten 


to  avail  himself  of  the  acoustic  properties  of  the 
House.  There  are  great  openings  for  orators 
on  the  floor,  and  I  should  be  pleased  to  provide 
him  with  one  if  he  will  only  give  me  sufficient 
provocation. 

I'd  like  to  know  Pumphrey  better.  He  be- 
longs to  a  type  of  statesmen  that  I've  seen 
exploited  frequently  in  the  public  press,  but 
have  never  had  the  pleasure  of  laying  my  hands 
on.  So  I  hope  he'll  come  around  at  once — at 
least  once. 


K^ 


^f^«*<»ro 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 

Facing  Pagcj 
E.  Joseph  Pumphrey,  M.  C.  .  Frontispiece 

««ril  make  this  country  too  hot  for  *em,  mark  my  words. 

Keep  your  eye  on  Congressman  Pumphrey"  .  .  2 

Have  been  here  four  days.    Wife  and  daughter  delighted. 

Have  met  some  charming  people       ....  6 

Played  poker  last  night  with  Colonel  Bunker  and  Sena- 
tor James  B.  Octopus  and  won  an  even  twenty-five 
hundred  from  them         .  .  .  .  .  .  lo 

Attended  a  reception  last  night  at  the  home  of  Senator 
James  B.  Octopus.  The  senator  and  his  wife  are  charm- 
ing hosts      ........  14 

«*By  George,  I  have  it !  My  wife  and  I  are  crossing 
this  summer  on  one  of  the  company's  new  freighters. 
Now,  why  can't  you  and  your  family  job  us  ?  '*  .  22 

I  told  him  I  never  speculated,  and,  besides,  I  feared 

some  of  the  papers  back  home  might  hear  about  it         .  30 

Presently  we  slowed  down  at  a  place  jammed  with  auto- 
mobiles and  went  into  a  beautiful  house      .  .  .  38 

At  six- thirty  the  calamity  happened.  It  •'rived  in  the 
shape  of  old  Simon  Jordan  and  his  vnfe,  just  in  from 
Minerva  Junction  to  see  the  sights  in  Washington  .  46 

It  was  an  imposing  dinner,  and  I  proposed  the  health  of 
Steele,  and  said  that  he  was  one  of  the  nation's  most 
brilliant  thinkers    ....•••  54 


^^^^^^^^:^.~'M 


List  of  Illustrations — Continued 

Facing  Page 

Together  we  strolled  into  a  room  richly  hung  with  valu- 
able paintings.  <' Shall  we  look  at  the  pictures  ?  "  I  said 
politely        .  .  .         .  .        , .  .  .         60 

** Well,  suh,  Mistah  Pumphrey,  you-all  suttinly  look  fine 
in  *at  suit.  Ladies  all  come  to  windows  when  you  walk 
down  de  avenue 'is  afternoon  "  ....  70 

**And  now  for  your  plans,  Mr.  Pumphrey.     We  shall 

not  be  disturbed  again.     I'll  be  as  quiet  as  two  mice"  80 

I  had  a  little  talk  with  my  wife  last  night.  She  had  just 
returned  from  a  bridge  party  at  Mrs.  Linden's,  where  she 
lost  twenty-two  dollars — and  that  after  taking  twenty- 
eight  lessons  this  winter  in  an  expensive  bridge  class !     .  86 

StrMght  as  a  buzzard  flies  to  its  carrion,  this  false  Sextus 
returns  to  his  home,  and,  with  his  lips  still  moist  with  my 
bounty,  he  writes  about  me      .  .  .  .  .         94. 

*«I  want  you  to  tell  me  how  to  head  off  this  man  Steele." 
The  senator  smoked  for  a  few  moments.  Then  he  spoke. 
"Who  has  the  county  printing  in  your  town  ? '  *      .  .        1 04 

I  showed  this  letter  to  Senator  Octopus,  and  he  smiled 
benevolently.  "He's  a  sensible  man.  Write  and  tell 
him  that  he  shall  get  his  contract "     .  .  .  .        112 

I  can't  refuse  Octopus,  although  it  will  be  political  suicide 

for  me  to  work  that  bill  through  Congress    .  .  .        1 22 


i 


Congressman  Pumphrey 
The  People's  Friend 


^ 


^ 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 
THE  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND 


Quite  a  crowd  gathered  at  the  depot 
yesterday  to  witness  the  departure  of 
Congressman-elect  Pumphrey,  wife  and 
daughter  for  Washington.  Mr.  Pum- 
phrey made  a  neat  address  in  his  happiest 
vein  and  expressed  regret  that  he  was 
leaving  such  pleasant  surroundings  for 
the  hurly-burly  of  a  statesman's  life  in  the 
capital. 

"But,"  said  he  with  ringing  voice,  "I 


\r  NH 


CONGRESSMAN  P.UMPHREY 

shall  not  be  lost  in  the  nation's  forum. 
You  shall  hear  from  me.  And  others  shall 
hear  from  me,  too.  The  railroads  that 
have  refused  to  send  you  cars  to  ship 
your  stock  unless  you  shipped  to  the  trust; 
the  moguls  of  finance  who  have  conspired 
to  restrict  competition,  and  who  now  have 
you  at  their  mercy — they  shall  hear  from 
me,  I  promise  you.  The  insurance  thieves, 
the  corrupt  politicians — all  shall  tremble 
when  I  get  started.  1*11  make  this  country 
too  hot  for  'em,  mark  my  words.  Keep 
your  eye  on  Congressman  Pumphrey. 
Gentlemen,  I  thank  you." 

Loud  cheers  greeted  these  words,  and 
many  warmly  shook  the  hand  of  the 
statesman  who  wears  well  the  title,  "The 
People's  Friend." — Minerva  Junction  In- 
vestigator. 


"  I'll  make  this  country  too  hot  for  *em,  mark  my 
words.     Keep  your  eye  on  Congressman  Pumphrey  '* 

{Page  2) 


Washington,  D.  C,  December  6. — 
Wednesday. — Have  been  here  four  days. 
Wife  and  daughter  delighted.  Been  too 
busy  to  write  very  much.  Have  met  some 
charming  people. 

Colonel  Harrison  K.  Bunker,  the  at- 
torney for  the  consolidated  railroad  com- 
bine, has  been  very  kind  to  me  in  the  way 
of  helping  me  to  get  a  suitable  house.  I 
met  him  on  the  train  coming  down  from 
5 


^ 


s 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

Harrisburg.  He  has  also  introduced  us 
to  Senator  James  B.  Octopus,  who  has  in- 
vited me  and  my  family  to  dine  at  his 
mansion  to-morrow  night. 

Have  decided  not  to  introduce  my  anti- 
trust and  tariff  revision  bill  until  a  little 
later. 


Have  been  here  four  days.     Wife  and  daughter 
delighted.    Have  met  some  charming  people 

(Paze  6) 


Ill 


Washington,  D.  C,  January  12. — ^Well, 
weVe  been  in  Washington  going  on  seven 
weeks,  and  it  certainly  has  Minerva 
Junction  beaten  four  ways  from  Sunday 
as  a  place  of  abode.  Land  sake,  what  a 
busy  life  they  lead  here !  Before  I  came  to 
*  Washington  I  always  retired  by  nine 
o'clock,  Minerva  Junction  time,  which  is 
several  years  behind  Washington  time, 
but  now  I  seldom  turn  in  before  one  or 
9 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 


two  o'clock,  anH  sometimes  have  difSculty 
in  doing  it  then.  Back  home  I  always 
went  to  bed  with  the  chickens ;  here  I  go 
to  bed  with  a  headache. 

Colonel  Harrison  K.  Bunker,  the  great 
railroad  attorney,  who  is  here  on  a  pleas- 
ure trip,  has  been  a  great  help,  getting 
me  cards  to  all  the  clubs  and  securing 
invitations  for  my  wife  and  daughter  to 
exclusive  homes,  where  the  ordinary  jay 
congressman's  wife  can  not  get  the  entree. 
He  predicts  a  great  social  success  for  my 
daughter.  He  also  volunteered  to  use  his 
influence  toward  getting  my  son  into 
Annapolis,  which  is  my  pet  ambition. 

Played  poker  last  night  with  Colonel 
Bunker  and  Senator  James  B.  Octopus 
and  won  an  even  twenty-five  hundred 
from  them.  They  have  explained  the  rail- 

lO 


Played  poker  last  night  with  G)lonel  Bunker  and 
Senator  James  B.  Octopus  and  won  an  even  twenty- 
five  hundred  from  them  (Page  lo) 


THE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

road  legislation  to  me,  and  I'm  begin- 
ning to  think  that  those  great  interests, 
which  have  contributed  so  much  to  the 
prosperity  and  upbuilding  of  this  great 
nation,  have  been  grossly  misrepresented. 
I  feel  that  I  should  use  my  influence  to 
thwart  any  foolish  attempt  to  enact  laws 
detrimental  to  these  great  and  useful  ar- 
teries of  commerce. 

P.  S. — Am  still  working  on  my  anti- 
trust and  tariff  revision  bills,  but  shall 
modify  them  in  several  particulars.  May 
not  introduce  them  this  session. 


13 


IV. 


Washington,  D.  C,  January  23. — ^At- 
tended a  reception  last  night  at  the  home 
of  Senator  James  B.  Octopus.  The  sen- 
ator and  his  wife  are  charming  hosts  and 
completely  won  our  hearts  by  their  de- 
lightful hospitality.  They  predict  a  great 
social  success  for  my  daughter  if  she  keeps 
in  the  right  set. 

"Pumphrey,"  said  the  senator,  "that's  a 
charming  girl  you  have,  and  I'm  going  to 
14 


Attended  a  reception  last  night  at  the  home  of 
Senator  James  B.  Octopus.  The  senator  and  his 
wife  are  charming  hosts  iPoze  14) 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

see  that  she  makes  a  brilliant  match  here 
in  Washington."  My  wife  is  greatly  ex- 
cited, and  says  that  whatever  we  do  we 
must  cultivate  the  Octopuses. 

Am  being  annoyed  considerably  by  the 
newspapers  back  home  in  Minerva  Junc- 
tion. They  are  beginning  to  ask  why  I 
donH  get  busy  with  my  anti-trust  and  tar- 
iff revision  legislation.  They  want  me  to 
light  into  the  railroads  and  back  up 
Roosevelt.  They  don't  seem  to  realize 
that  some  of  my  best  friends  here  are  in- 
terested in  those  concerns. 

What  would  Colonel  Harrison  K. 
Bunker  say  if  I  started  in  to  oppose  those 
'^vast  interests,  after  all  the  kindness  he  has 
shown  me  since  I  came  to  Washington? 
What  would  Senator  Octopus  say  if  I  at- 
tacked certain  corporations  in  which  he 

17 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

and  his  friends  are  interested,  after  enter- 
taining me  and  my  wife  at  his  house? 

The  people  back  home  look  at  things  in 
too  narrow  a  way.  They  say  Senator  Oc- 
topus is  a  high-toned  grafter,  who  has 
been  picking  Uncle  Sam's  pockets  for 
twenty  years  in  the  Senate,  and  they 
stretch  the  English  language  trying  to  say 
bad  enough  things  about  him. 

The  trouble  is,  the  folks  out  in  the  small 
towns  are  prejudiced.  They  can't  realize 
that  the  senator  is  an  affable,  generous 
man,  and  one  of  the  most  popular  men  at 
the  club.  He  has  asked  me  to  be  a  director 
in  one  of  his  companies. 

How  can  I  afford  to  olBfend  these  men 

who  have  befriended  me  here,  these  men 

who  invite  my  family  to  their  houses, 

these  men  whom  I  meet  every  day  in  the 

i8 


THE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

club,  just  to  satisfy  a  few  hidebound 
yawpers  back  in  Minerva  Junction?  I 
believe  in  being  liberal  and  broad- 
minded. 


19 


rt 

f^ 

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™ 

Wi 

V 


Washington,  February  7.  —  Colonel 
Harrison  K.  Bunker,  the  great  railroad 
attorney,  who  is  here  on  a  little  pleasure 
trip,  dropped  in  a  night  or  two  ago  for  a 
friendly  chat.  He  brought  with  him  a 
gentleman  named  Colonel  Orlando  Mc- 
Nutt,  the  legal  adviser  of  the  National 
Shipbuilding  Company.  Colonel  Mc- 
Nutt  is  here  for  his  health,  the  winter  be- 
20 


17^"^ 


THE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


ing  less  severe  in  Washington  than  in  Al- 
bany, New  York. 

"I've  often  heard  of  you,  Mr.  Pum- 
phrey,"  says  he,  "and  I've  always  had  a 
great  desire  to  meet  you.  The  fame  of 
your  speeches,  you  see,  has  spread  far  and 
wide,  and  it's  a  genuine  pleasure  to  meet 
a  real  orator  these  days." 

I  ordered  cigars  and  drinks  and  we  set- 
tled down  for  a  pleasant  hour. 

"Now,  this  is  my  idea  of  a  good  time," 
said  Colonel  Bunker;  "a  good  cigar,  a 
pleasing  beverage,  and  a  cultured  host. 
Gentlemen,  the  people  nowadays  are  lead- 
ing too  strenuous  a  life.  All  they  think 
^  of  is  business,  business,  business." 

"The  Europeans  have  learned  to  live, 
my  friends,"  said  Colonel  McNutt. 
"They've  learned  the  science,  while  the 

21 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

Americans  are  just  struggling  with  the 
A-B-C's  of  life.  We  must  learn  to  take 
things  easy,"  said  he. 

"And  often,"  murmured  Colonel  Bun- 
ker, winking,  and  they  both  laughed 
heartily.  I  took  the  hint  and  rang  the  bell. 

"Of  course,  Mr.  Pumphrey,  youVe 
been  in  Europe  a  number  of  times?"  I 
said  no,  and  Colonel  McNutt  expressed 
surprise. 

"That's  odd.  I  sized  you  up  as  a  man 
who  had  traveled  extensively.  You  have 
that  air.  Every  man  should  see  Europe, 
especially  as  the  trip  is  so  easily  made 
these  days."  I  started  to  answer,  but  be- 
fore I  could  say  a  word  he  slapped  his 
knee  and  exclaimed: 

"By  George,  I  have  it  I  My  wife  and  I 
are  crossing  this  summer  on  one  of  the 


"  By  George,  I  have  it !  My  wife  and  I  are 
crossing  this  summer  on  one  of  the  company's  new 
freighters.  Now,  why  can't  you  and  your  family 
join  us?"  {Paze  22)^ 


THE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

company's  new  freighters.  Now,  why 
can't  you  and  your  family  join  us?  Ab- 
solutely no  expense,  and  we'd  be  delighted 
to  have  such  agreeable  company."  I 
started  to  demur  but  he  hastily  continued : 
"Anyway,  think  it  over,  Mr.  Pumphrey. 
I've  taken  a  fancy  to  you,  and  there's  no 
reason  why  you  shouldn't  have  a  delight- 
ful little  trip.  I'm  sure  your  wife  would 
prefer  that  to  spending  the  summer  out 
in  your  home  town.  Speak  to  your  wife 
about  it  before  you  come  to  a  definite  con- 
clusion." 

When  I  asked  my  wife  she  became 
greatly  excited  and  says  that  by  all  means 
we  must  go.  It  will  be  such  a  finishing 
touch  for  our  daughter's  education,  she 
says. 

Things  are  busy  in  the  House  these 


^ 


^ 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

days.  The  rate  bill  is  up,  and  as  the 
House  is  practically  unanimous,  I  shall 
vote  with  the  Roosevelt  following.  In  a 
few  days  the  ship-subsidy  bill  will  reach 
the  House,  and  a  close  fight  is  expected. 


26 


VI 


Washington,  D.  C,  February  20. — 
Well,  it's  wonderful  how  attractive  this 
Washington  life  is.  In  the  ten  weeks  IVe 
been  here  IVe  seen  more  life  than  I  saw 
back  in  Minerva  Junction  in  forty  years. 
Hereafter  I  think  Til  make  this  my  real 
home,  although  I  suppose  I'll  have  to 
keep  up  my  place  in  the  Tall  Grass  and 
spend  a  few  weeks  there  every  year. 

My  wife  is  charmed  with  Washington. 
27 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

She  says  as  long  as  we  stand  in  with  Sen- 
ator Octopus  and  some  more  of  the  real 
people  we'll  be  strictly  in  it. 

The  senator  certainly  has  been  kindness 
itself.  I  just  wish  some  of  those  yap  ed- 
itors who  have  been  roasting  him  could 
meet  him.  They'd  find  him  to  be  one  of 
the  most  amiable  and  generous  men  in  the 
:  capital.  He  has  invited  us  to  his  house 
frequently,  his  wife  has  called  once,  and 
he  says  he  wants  his  son  to  meet  my 
daughter  sometime. 

My  wife  was  greatly  excited  when  I 
told  her  this.  I  believe  she  sees  a  golden 
chance  for  Julia. 

It  surely  is  wonderful  how  opportuni- 
ties come  a  fellow's  way  here  in  Wash- 
ington, especially  if  he  lends  a  helping 
hand.  A  day  or  two  ago  Colonel  Bunker, 
28 


tP^^^^^^Sl^^'^Mi 


THE  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND 

my  railroad  friend,  dropped  a  hint  that  a 
certain  stock  would  go  up  fifteen  points 
if  the  House  voted  a  certain  way  on  a 
bill,  and  asked  if  I  didn't  want  to  take  a 
flier  on  it. 

I  told  him  I  never  speculated,  and,  be- 
sides, I  feared  some  of  the  papers  back 
home  might  hear  about  it.  They're  nar- 
row about  some  things,  you  know.  The 
colonel  said  it  wasn't  speculating,  it  was  a 
I  cinch,  and  he  said  he  would  have  his 
broker  carry  a  small  block  for  mc. 

"Pumphrey,"  said  he,  "when  I  have  a 
good  friend  I  like  to  do  him  a  good  turn 
when  I  can.  I  believe  that  friends  should 
stand  together." 

Well,  the  bill  passed  the  House  by  a 
narrow  margin,  and  Bunker  handed  me 
eighteen  hundred  dollars*  I  didn't  like  to 
29 


^ 


-^ 


^ 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 


offend  him  by  appearing  prudish,  so  I 
took  it.  He  says  he  will  be  able  to  throw 
a  lot  of  good  things  my  way  in  the  future. 

I  suppose,  strictly  speaking,  a  congress- 
man oughtn't  to  speculate,  particularly  on 
those  stocks  that  are  influenced  by  pend- 
ing legislation ;  but,  great  Scott,  how  is  a 
congressman  to  keep  a  wife  and  family 
and  go  with  the  right  people  in  Washing- 
ton on  five  thousand  dollars  a  year? 
Julia's  got  to  dress  well  if  we  expect  to 
get  her  married  off,  and  the  Washing- 
ton dressmakers  aren't  Minerva  Junction 
dressmakers,  I've  discovered. 

And,  besides,  I've  got  to  dress  better  if 
I  expect  to  train  with  Senator  Octopus 
and  men  like  that.  I've  ordered  a  new 
outfit,  and  had  a  violent  argument  with 
my  wife  about  the  silk-hat  question.  It's 

30 


I  told  him  I  never  speculated,  and,  besides,  I 
feared  some  of  the  papers  back  home  might  hear 
about  it  {Page  30) 


^ 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

the  only  quarrel  we've  ever  had.  She 
wanted  me  to  get  a  silk  hat,  but  I  think 
I'll  stick  to  my  slouch  hat. 

There's  an  honesty  about  a  slouch  hat 
that  counts  for  a  good  deal  with  country 
voters. 

The  home  papers  are  becoming  more 
annoying.  One  of  them  is  heading  a  sub- 
scription list  to  get  up  a  search  party  to 
locate  "The  People's  Friend,"  as  they 
called  me  during  the  campaign  back 
home. 

I'll  have  to  invite  that  editor  down  and 
give  him  a  good  time.  There's  nothing 
like  well-directed  hospitality  to  disarm  a 
critic. 


33 


Washington,  D.  C,  February  23. — If  [fj 
any  one  had  ever  intimated  to  me  that  I, 
Congressman  E.  Joseph  Pumphrey, 
would  ever  become  a  social  butterfly,  I'd 
have  sworn  he  was  seeking  my  political 
downfall.  Yet  that  is  what  I  was  doing 
yesterday  afternoon  from  three  o'clock 
until  the  game  was  called  on  account  of 
darkness  at  about  eight  o'clock.  Senator 
Octopus  says  it  was  ten.  Colonel  Bunker 

34 


m 


£ 


THE  PEOPLFS  FRIEND 

says  It  was  eleven.  Anyway,  this  is  the 
way  It  happened: 

"Pumphrey,"  said  Senator  Octopus  at 
the  club  yesterday  morning,  "what  are 
you  doing  this  afternoon?^* 

I  told  him  I  had  nothing  on  the  sched- 
ule except  to  go  up  and  answer  roll-call  at 
the  House. 

"Well,"  said  he,  "that  goes  under  the 
^  head  of  unfinished  business,  you  know." 

"Not  much,"  I  answered.  "I  have  not 
been  thtre  for  several  days  and  I  feel  as 
though  I  ought  to  drop  in  occasionally, 
just  to  keep  Uncle  Joe  from  forgetting  my 
face." 

"Now,  Pumphrey,  don't  let  the  cares 
of  state  rest  too  heavily  on  your  shoul- 
ders. Come  with  Bunker  and  me  and  do 
the  punch  route  this  afternoon." 

3S 


V^^^ 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 


"What's  that?"  says  I. 

"Make  some  afternoon  calls,"  says  he. 
"You'll  have  to  get  used  to  it  sometime, 
so  why  not  begin  to-day?  We  will  show 
you  the  garden  spots  along  the  avenue. 
To-day  is  the  day  that  Massachusetts  Ave- 
nue is  receiving,  so  toddle  home  and  put 
on  your  best  clothes  and  be  here  at  three 
o'clock." 

At  three  I  was  at  the  club,  and  the  sen- 
ator's French  car  was  soon  whisking  us 
out  toward  Dupont  Circle. 

"I  am  glad  you  proposed  this  pro- 
gram," said  I,  "because  I  ought  to  call  on 
Mrs.  Senator  Robson." 

"You  can  call  there  some  other  day. 
She  only  serves  tea.  We  cut  out  the  tea 
places  long  ago;  didn't  we.  Bunker? 
Nowadays   the   brightest   women   serve 

36 


^^ 


THE  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND 


punch  and  have  crowded  houses.  The 
saloons  have  lost  most  of  their  best  cus- 
tomers. I  have  all  the  houses  catalogued 
— every  house  marked  with  a  *T'  or  T'. 
My  wife  leaves  cards  at  the  tea  places, 
while  I  leave  cards  at  the  punch  places." 

Presently  we  slowed  down  at  a  place 
jammed  with  automobiles  and  went  into 
a  beautiful  house. 

*Who  lives  here?"  I  whispered  to  Oc- 
topus.-- 

"Senator  Knott,"  said  he.  "He's  just 
joined  the  Senate.  His  wife  is  a  wonder. 
The  old  Washington  families  won't  have 
anything  to  do  with  her,  but  she's  landed 
all  the  live  ones.  You  must  cultivate 
her." 

A  moment  later  I  was  bowing  before  a 
keen-eyed,    bright-faced    woman    some- 

37 


^ 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

where  between  twenty-five  and  forty-five, 
and  the  pleasantest  eyes  in  the  world  were 
looking  into  mine. 

"Ah,  Mr.  Pumphrey,"  she  exclaimed, 
"my  husband  has  often  spoken  of  you  and 
I  am  so  glad  you  have  come  1" 

"I  am  afraid  I  have  taken  a  great  liber- 
ty in  coming  in  this  informal  way,"  said  I, 
bowing.  "You  know  I  have  never  had 
the  pleasure  of  meeting  you  before.'* 

"Senator  Octopus'  friends  are  mine," 
she  said  with  sparkling  good  humor. 
"You  must  always  come  to  see  us  when- 
ever you  can.  And  now  I  suppose  you  are 
just  dying  for  some  tea."  I  could  have 
sworn  her  right  eyelid  quivered  the  least 
little  bit.  "Here  is  Grace  Nicholson. 
She  will  take  you  out  to  where  the  punch 
bowl  and  the  gentlemen  are.' • 

38 


Presently  we  slowed  down  at  a  place  jammed  with 
automobiles  and  went  into  a  beautiful  house 

{Page  38) 


^3 


THE  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND 


A  tall,  ruddy-faced  girl  with  very 
friendly  eyes  was  bowing  to  me.  I  felt  at 
home  with  her  at  once.  I  complimented 
her  on  the  beautiful  pearl  beads  she  wore, 
and  she  replied  smilingly:  "Mrs.  Knott 
says  it  is  indecent  for  an  unmarried  girl 
to  wear  such  large  pearls,  but  she's  a  cat; 
aren't  you,  dear?" 

Mrs.  Knott  smiled  merrily  and  told  us 
to  run  along  and  not  bother  her;  so  in  the 
course  of  human  events  we  were  soon  se- 
curely seated  in  a  corner  of  the  billiard- 
room.  That  girl  was  a  wonder!  She 
knew  more  about  legislation  than  the  edi- 
tor of  the  Congressional  Record.  Her 
father  is  at  the  head  of  one  of  the  big 
protected  industries.  When  he  says  grace 
he  always  puts  in  a  special  plea  that  the 
tariff  may  not  be  disturbed.   Well,  that 

41 


^ 


s 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

girl  certainly  won  me.  If  I  can  ever  do 
anything  for  her,  I'll  do  it,  even  if  it's  a 
bill  to  paint  the  Washington  monument. 
She  invited  me  to  call  and  see  her  soon, 
and  if  the  government  and  Washington 
are  still  standing  three  days  from  now  I'll 
be  at  her  front  door  with  the  best  raiment 
in  the  Pumphrey  wardrobe. 

After  some  time  Octopus  came  in  and 
dragged  me  away.  I  routed  Colonel  Bun- 
ker out  of  a  tete-a-tete  in  the  conservatory 
and  started  to  the  next  place,  marked  "P," 
on  the  senator's  calling  list.  For  three 
hours  we  worked  steadily  down  the  ave- 
nue— steadily  at  first  and  somewhat  un- 
steadily at  the  end.  At  one  place  I  met  a 
large  woman  incrusted  in  Irish  lace  and 
dripping  with  pearls,  and  the  only  thing 
I  remember  was  when  she  fixed  me  with 
42 


■^ 


[l/-  Nl 


^ 


THE  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND 


a  pair  of  beady  eyes  and  said:  "Wasn  t 
you  at  Palm  Beach  last  winter,  Mr.  Pum- 
phrey?" 

I  said  "not  yet,"  and  then  Octopus  res- 
cued me. 

"Who  was  she?"  I  gasped  after  we  had 
reached  the  life-saving  station  in  the 
smoking-room. 

"She  is  the  wife  of  Congressman  Jay. 
All  you  have  to  do  with  her  is  to  forget 
her,"  which  I  did  with  incredible 
thoroughness. 

Well,  we  did  eighteen  places  in  bogey, 
and  the  last  distinct  recollection  I  have  is 
that  I  was  arguing  with  an  old  lady 
about  the  height  of  the  Washington  mon- 
ument. 


It  was  a  great  day. 
43 


yiii 

Washington,  D.  C,  February  27. — 
Well,  this  has  been  a  terrible  week!  My 
wife  is  completely  knocked  out,  and 
daughter  Julia  is  heartbroken. 

The  trouble  was  as  follows :  Last  Satur- 
day my  wife  suggested  that  we  give  a  din- 
ner and  invite  Senator  and  Mrs.  Octopus, 
Colonel  and  Mrs.  Bunker,  and  three  or 
four  others. 

"It  will  be  a  good  time  to  invite  Sena- 

44 


^^ 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


tor  Octopus'  son/'  said  she,  "so  that  Julia 
can  meet  him."  Of  course  I  O.  K.'d  the 
project,  and  after  some  correspondence, 
the  guests  all  accepted. 

My  wife  was  eager  to  make  quite  an 
impression  on  such  a  distinguished  com- 
pany, and  we  laid  ourselves  out  to  dazzle 
them.  We  arranged  for  a  private  dining- 
room  at  the  family  hotel,  where  we  live, 
and  had  Louey  fill  it  full  of  flowers  and 
American  flags.  We  got  several  statues 
from  the  hotel  office  and  put  neat  name- 
cards,  with  hand-painted  flowers  on  them, 
at  each  plate.  Little  red,  white  and  blue 
electric  bulbs  imparted  quite  an  oriental 
effect  to  the  room. 

At  eight  o'clock  the  guests  were  to  ar- 
rive. It  seemed  kind  of  late  to  start  a  din- 
ner, but  Louey  said  that  was  the  proper 
45 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 


hour  for  Washington.  At  six  we  were  all 
dressed  and  ready,  and  at  six-thirty  the 
calamity  happened.  It  arrived  in  the 
shape  of  old  Simon  Jordan  and  his  wife, 
just  in  from  Minerva  Junction  to  see  the 
sights  in  Washington. 

"We  wanted  to  surprise  you,"  they  an- 
nounced joyfully,  "and  so  we  didn't  tele- 
graph. We're  nearly  starved,"  they  said, 
'  "and  whenever  you're  ready  we  are."  I 
told  them  I  was  glad  to  see  them.  In  fact, 
I  said  it  over  and  over  again.  It  was  the 
only  thing  I  could  say. 

In  the  meantime  I  was  doing  some  en- 
ergetic thinking.  You  see,  old  Simon  is 
the  editor  of  the  paper  that  has  been  sup- 
porting me  for  years.  He  is  the  original 
Pumphrey  man.  He's  the  strongest 
friend  I  have  in  Minerva  Junction,  and 

46 


At  six-thirty  the  calamity  happened.  It  arrived  in 
the  shape  of  old  Simon  Jordan  and  his  wife,  just  in 
from  Minerva  Junction  to  see  the  sights  in  Wash- 
ington (P^Zt  46) 


^!:b-       i^ 


THE  PEOPLFS   FRIEND 

his  paper  can  swing  an  election  any  way 
it  wants  to. 

So  I  got  them  registered  and  went  to 
have  an  executive  session  with  my  wife. 
She  was  in  tears. 

"They'll  spoil  the  'dinner  entirely,"  she 
cried.  "Simon  Jordan  never  wore  a  dress- 
suit  in  his  life,  and  his  wife  doesn't  drink 
anything  but  milk.  She'll  be  sure  to  ask 
for  it." 

It  jvas  a  crisis  with  a  capital  K.  I 
hated  to  turn  down  an  old  friend,  but  my 
wife  insisted  that  they  should  not  be  al- 
lowed to  come  to  the  table.  So  after  a 
stormy  interview  I  finally  sent  out  mes- 
sengers to  the  guests  saying  that  the  din- 
ner was  called  oflf  on  account  of  illness  in 
the  family. 

If  Simon  Jordan  finds  it  out  I'll  not  get 
49 


^^ 


^ 


2. 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

eight  votes  at  the  next  election.  I'd  rather 
have  a  drove  of  panthers  after  me  than 
old  Simon  when  he's  mad.  This  social 
life  is  wearing. 


50 


I^^ 


Washington,  D.  C,  March  1 8.— Well, 
old  Simon  Jordan  and  his  wife  have  left. 

I'm  sorry  I  couldn't  find  time  to  enter- 
tain them  more,  for  Simon  is  the  man  who 
did  more  to  elect  me  to  Congress  than 
anybody.  But  I've  been  so  busy  that  I 
couldn't  give  the  time  to  him,  and,  be- 
sides, he's  such  a  good  friend  that  I  am 
sure  of  his  support  in  spite  of  a  little  lack 
of  attention.  Of  course,  I  got  him  tickets 

51 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

to  the  private  gallery  of  the  House,  signed 
by  our  senator,  and  I  also  got  him  a  per- 
mit to  visit  the  bureau  of  printing  and  en- 
graving, so  I  guess  he  had  a  pretty  tolera- 
ble time  while  he  was  here. 

My  wife  and  daughter  were  ill  all  the 
time  Mrs.  Jordan  was  in  town,  so  they 
couldn't  introduce  her  around  to  our 
Washington  friends. 

This  week  I've  been  busy  night  and  day 
entertaining  Ed  Steele,  the  editor  of  the 
Minerva  Junction  Gadfly,  For  weeks  he 
has  been  filling  his  contemptible  sheet 
with  sarcastic  references  to  me,  so  I 
thought  it  was  high  time  to  head  him  off, 
if  I  could. 

I  asked  him  to  come  down  to  Washing- 
ton to  talk  it  over,  and  Colonel  Bunker 
fixed  up  the  transportation  for  him.   He 

52 


THE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


came,  and  I've  simply  turned  Washington 
inside  out  to  give  him  a  good  time. 

Night  before  last  I  gave  a  dinner  at  the 
club  and  had  him  seated  on  my  right. 
The  other  guests  were  Colonel  Bunker, 
my  railway  attorney  friend;  Colonel  Or- 
lando McNutt,  of  the  National  Ship- 
building Company;  Doctor  Tanscy,  the 
president  of  the  Boracic  Acid  Food  Com- 
pany ,-and  two  retired  army  officers. 

It  was  an  imposing  dinner,  and  I  pro- 
posed the  health  of  Steele,  and  said  that 
he  was  one  of  the  nation's  most  brilliant 
thinkers.  I  could  see  that  he  was  much 
pleased,  and  before  the  evening  was  over 
he  was  calling  me  his  old  friend  and  com- 
rade. 

Of  course,  I  cautioned  Colonel  Mc- 
Nutt not  to  mention  the  fact  that  my  f am- 
53 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

ily  and  I  are  going  to  Europe  on  one  of 
his  company's  new  freighters  this  sum- 
mer, because  Ed  might  put  a  wrong  con- 
struction on  it.  I  also  cautioned  Colonel 
Bunker  not  to  lay  too  much  stress  on  the 
fact  that  Senator  Octopus  is  one  of  my 
close  friends  here. 

Not  that  there's  anything  wrong  about 
it,  of  course,  but  it  is  just  as  well  not  to 
emphasize  it. 

Colonel  Bunker  got  cards  to  the  clubs 
for  Ed,  and  I  guess  he  feels  pretty  friend- 
ly toward  me.  When  he  goes  back  home  I 
don't  believe  he  will  write  any  more  un- 
complimentary things  about  me. 

It  seems  funny  that  I  should  exert  my- 
self so  much  to  entertain  Steele,  and  yet 
be  too  busy  to  entertain  a  lifelong  friend 
like  Simon  Jordan.    But  that's  politics. 

54 


It  was  an  imposing  dinner,  and  I  proposed  the 
health  of  Steele,  and  said  that  he  was  one  of  the  na- 
tion's most  brilliant  thinkers  (Page  $4), 


THE  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND 


We  treat  those  we  fear  better  than  we 
treat  those  we  love.  It's  the  gun  that's 
turned  against  you  that  needs  to  be  spiked, 
and  not  the  one  that's  with  you. 


57 


X 


Washington,  D.  C,  March  27. — I  had 
a  most  delightful  experience  at  a  dinner 
given  by  Senator  Octopus  last  evening. 

The  senator  was  in  the  best  of  spirits 
and  sparkled  with  good  nature  as  he  in- 
troduced me  to  the  distinguished  guests 
as  they  arrived.  After  the  dinner,  which, 
by  the  way,  was  a  splendid  meal,  the  sen- 
ator presented  me  to  a  handsome  lady, 
whom  I  had  not  yet  met  I  think  he  intro- 

58 


V 


^ 


^ 


^ 


THE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

duced  her  as  "Mrs.,"  but  I  did  not  hear 
distinctly. 

"Mrs.  (?)  Hawkesworth,"  said  the  sen- 
ator, "I  want  to  present  Congressman 
Pumphrey,  one  of  the  most  brilliant 
thinkers  of  the  West,  and,  I  hope  I  may 
safely  add,  one  of  our  most  valued  re- 
cruits to  the  conservative  forces  at  the 
capital.  But,  of  course,  you  have  heard  of 
him,  Mrs.  Hawkesworth — his  fame  is  na- 
tional — and  it  seems  absurd  to  introduce 
one  so  widely  known  as  he." 

The  lady  said  she  had  heard  of  me  very 
often  and  had  long  desired  the  honor  of 
meeting  me. 

"When  I  heard  that  you  were  to  be  here 

to-night,  Congressman,  I  was  more  than 

eager  to  come.   In  fact,  I  have  had  such 

a  headache  all  day  that  I  doubt  whether 

59 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 


I  should  have  come  at  all  if  I  had  not 
been  told  that  you  were  to  be  one  of  the 
distinguished  guests." 

I  thanked  her  with  some  well-chosen 
words,  and  the  senator  turned  to  leave  us. 

**Now,  be  careful,  Fanny,"  said  he,  "for 
I  my  distinguished   friend   here   has   the 
power  to  move  vast  audiences  by  his  elo- 
quence. Have  a  care  lest  you  fall  a  victim 
to  him." 

"It  will  be  a  pleasure,"  she  answered 
with  a  charming  smile,  and  I  again 
thanked  her  in  courteous  terms. 

"Let  us  go  where  it  is  more  quiet,"  she 
then  said,  and  together  we  strolled  into  a 
room  richly  hung  with  valuable  paint- 
ings. 

"Shall  we  look  at  the  pictures?"  I 
asked  politely. 

60 


Together  we  strolled  into  a  room  richly  hung 
with  valuable  paintings. 

"  Shall  we  look  at  the  pictures?  "  I  said  politely- 

(Page  6a) 


THE  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND 


"Would  you  rather  look  at  them?"  she 
said  in  a  low  voice,  and  I  realized  that  I 
had  not  got  a  promising  start 

After  a  moment  or  two  I  said:  "Not 
while  you  are  here,  Madam." 

"Now,  that's  better,"  she  responded 
brightly;  "the  other  was  quite  unworthy 
of  you,  my  dear  Congressman.  Let  us  sit 
down,  and  then  you  must  tell  me  all  about 
yourself.  How  do  you  prepare  those 
splendid  orations  that  we  have  heard  so 
much  about?  How  did  you  acquire  the 
great  gift  of  eloquence  with  which  you 
are  so  richly  endowed?" 

I  started  to  explain,  but  she  hastily  went 
on:  "It  must  be  wonderful  to  rise  before 
a  vast  audience  and  feel  the  sudden, 
breathless  hush,  and  then  to  sway  them 
back  and  forth  by  the  tremendous  force 

63 


1^^ 


m 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 


K  ^ 


of  your  personality.  Oh,  how  I  envy  any 
one  who  has  that  splendid  gift!" 

I  started  to  tell  some  of  my  experiences, 
but  she  apparently  did  not  hear  me,  for 
she  continued  talking. 

"Do  you  know,  Congressman  Pum- 
phrey,  that  it  is  such  a  pleasant  surprise  to 
find  you  the  kind  of  man  you  are?  Most 
of  our  statesmen  from  the  West  are  so 
crude  and  half-baked.  They  are  com- 
pletely lacking  in  the  kindly  chivalry 
which  seems  so  natural  with  you,  not  the 
shallow  politeness  of  the  foreigner,  but 
something  sincere,  something  genuine. 
Whenever  I  meet  a  western  congressman 
I  expect  to  find  him  the  usual  narrow- 
minded — how  shall  I  say  it? — grand- 
stand player,  for  ever  prating  about  the 
rights  of  the  people,  waving  the  flag,  cry- 

64 


[^^ 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


ing  'Down  with  the  corporations  T  and  all 
that  cheap  claptrap  of  anarchy  and  igno- 
rance. I'm  so  glad  that  you  are  not  one 
of  that  sort.  The  instant  I  saw  you  I  knew 
you  were  not  the  kind  of  man  to  be  in- 
fluenced by  this  hysterical  clamor  against 
the  railroads  and  solid  interests  that  seems 
to  have  infected  the  unthinking  minds  of 
the  country." 

I  was  rather  glad  then  that  I  had  not 
told  her  that  I  was  known  as  "The  Peo- 
ple's Friend"  out  in  Minerva  Junction. 
She  is  certainly  a  most  charming  woman. 

Just  before  we  parted  I  asked  her  to  en- 
lighten me  on  one  point. 

"Excuse  me,  Madam,"  I  said,  "when 
the  senator  introduced  you  I  didn't  catch 
whether  you  are  a  widow,  a  Mrs.,  or  a 
Miss." 

65 


IV  N 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

"That  is  for  you  to  find  out,"  she  said 
laughingly,  "and  you  may  come  for  your 
first  lesson  to-morrow,  at  five,  at  my 
house." 

I  asked  the  senator  about  her,  and  he 
told  me  she  was  a  widow  with  some  very 
valuable  timber  concessions  in  New  Mex- 
ico and  Arizona.  When  I  got  home  my 
wife  and  daughter  had  iust  returned  from 
their  bridge  class. 


66 


XI 


Washington,  D.  C,  April  lo. — It's 
curious  how  easily  a  fellow  drops  into  this 
pleasant  way  of  living. 

If  anybody  had  told  me  a  year  ago  that 
I  would  ever  have  a  man  to  help  dress  me 
and  keep  my  clothes  in  order,  I'd  have 
laughed  at  him.  But  that's  exactly  what's 
happening  regularly,  three  times  a  day, 
and  I  don't  see  how  I  ever  got  along  with- 
out one  all  these  years. 

67 


^ 


^^^^^^s 


^ 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

The  way  it  happened  was  thus :  Sena- 
tor Octopus  dropped  in  on  me  one  after- 
noon while  I  was  dressing. 

"Great  Scott,  Pumphrey,"  said  he,  "you 
don't  mean  to  say  you  haven't  a  man  to 
help  you  at  this  sort  of  thing?"  I  told  him 
I  had  none,  never  expected  to  have  one, 
and  wouldn't  know  how  to  act  if  I  did 
have  one. 

"That  settles  it,"  said  he.  "I'll  send  you 
over  one  of  my  old  darkies.  He'll  take 
good  care  of  you  and  keep  your  things  in 
order." 

So,  in  a  day  or  two,  George  Washing- 
ton Arbuckle  arrived  and  has  been  with 
me  ever  since.  He  is  a  treasure.  He  tells 
me  what  to  wear  and  gives  me  the  inside 
history  of  Washington  society,  from 
Buchanan  to  Roosevelt.  He  is  a  walking 
68 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


V  Nl 


encyclopedia  and  a  treasure-house  of 
quaint  philosophy. 

Yesterday  I  arrived  home  after  a  hard 
day's  work  at  the  capitol  and  was  about  to 
lie  down  to  take  a  nap. 

"Where's  Mrs.  Pumphrcy  and  Julia?" 
I  asked  Wash. 

"Mrs.  Pumphrey,  she  done  gone  to 
take  iTer  card  lesson,  an'  Miss  Julia  gone 
to  take  her  French  lesson."  So  I  decided 
that  it  was  too  pleasant  to  stay  indoors, 
and  I  put  on  my  new  Prince  Albert. 

"Well,  suh,  Mistah  Pumphrey,  you-all 
suttinly  look  fine  in  'at  suit.  Ladies  all 
come  to  windows  when  you  walk  down  de 
avenue  'is  afternoon." 

"I  look  all  right,  do  I,  Wash?"  I  asked 
pleasantly. 

"Yes,  suh,  you  suttinly  do.   If  you-all 

69 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

wan't  a  married  man,  I'd  say  you  surely 
goin'  out  co'htin'  'is  afternoon." 

"But,  being  married.  Wash,  I  suppose 
such  a  thing  is  out  of  the  question,  isn't 
it?"  Wash  laughed  very  heartily  at  this, 
and  so  I  didn't  question  him  any  further. 

It  was  a  beautiful  day,  and  I  walked 
down  K  Street,  enjoying  the  clear  spring 
air  exceedingly.  Presently  I  noticed  that 
I  was  quite  near  Mrs.  Hawkesworth's 
house,  so  I  thought  I  might  as  well  drop 
in  for  a  moment. 

She  was  at  home,  and  gave  orders  to  her 
butler  that  she  would  not  see  any  one  else 
that  afternoon.  It  flattered  me  consider- 
ably. I  like  Mrs.  Hawkesworth  very 
much.  She  seems  to  understand  and  ap- 
preciate me  more  than — well,  any  other 
woman  I've  known.  She  is  interested  in 
70 


^ 


"Well,  suh,  Mistah  Pumphrey,  you-all  suttinly 
look  fine  in  'at  suit.  Ladies  all  come  to  windows 
when  you  walk  down  de  avenue  'is  afternoon  '* 

{Paze  70) 


^ 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

my  career  and  what  I  am  doing  and  what 
legislation  I  am  working  on. 

"Mr.  Pumphrey,"  said  she,  as  she  asked 
me  to  help  myself  to  the  Scotch  or  rye, 
"what  speeches  are  you  preparing?  I 
want  to  be  in  the  House  when  you  deliver 
the  next  one.  So  many  people  have  spoken 
of  your  splendid  speech  on  The  Flag,  It 
must  have  been  superb." 

"The  trouble  is,  my  dear  lady,"  I  an- 
swered, "I  find  myself  in  rather  an  em- 
barrassing position.  I  had  hoped  to  speak 
in  favor  of  the  rate  bill,  but  I  hardly  felt 
like  taking  a  stand  that  would  displease 
Senator  Octopus.  He  is  largely  interested 
in  railway  enterprises,  and  he  has  been 
kindness  itself  to  me.  Consequently  I 
don't  like  to  antagonize  him  by  fighting 
the  interests  that  mean  so  much  to  him. 

73 


^ 


^s 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

For  that  reason  I  was  absent  when  the 
House  voted  on  the  rate  bill,  and  so  es- 
caped going  on  record.  My  home  papers 
have  criticized  me  fearfully,  quoting  my 
speeches  when  I  was  a  candidate  and  then 
asking,  What  has  become  of  The  People's 
Friend?'  One  paper  said  that  *a  friend 
indeed  was  a  friend  in  Washington.'  I 
also  don't  like  to  take  an  active  part 
against  the  ship-subsidy  bill,  because 
Colonel  McNutt  has  been  such  a  close 
social  friend  here  in  Washington.  And 
the  statehood  matter,  of  course,  is  impos- 
sible. You,  my  dear  lady,  are  in  favor  of 
having  Arizona  and  New  Mexico  remain 
as  territories  on  account  of  your  timber 
concessions,  and  I  could  not  do  a  thing  to 
hurt  your  interests." 

74 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

"Oh,  you  mustn't  think  of  me,  my  dear 
friend." 

"But  I  do,  Mrs.  Hawkesworth;  I  think 
of  you  all  the  time.  Could  I  be  so  un- 
grateful for  your  friendship  that  I  would 
vote  against  your  interests?  Never  I  What- 
ever I  may  be,  I  can  not  be  accused  of  in- 
gratitude." 

She  smiled  a  little,  and  then  looked  at 
me  with  a  tenderness  that  I  shall  never 
forget. 


75 


Il^'Nl 


XII 


Washington,  D.  C,  April  15. — I 
dropped  in  to  see  Mrs.  Hawkesworth  yes- 
terday afternoon  to  tell  her  about  our  trip 
to  Europe  this  summer. 

She  was  even  more  charming  and  beau- 
tiful than  usual,  and  of  course  was  deeply 
interested — as  she  always  is  in  my  plans 
and  achievements.  She  has  a  remarkably 
sympathetic  nature. 

"I'm  so  glad  you've  come,  my  dear 

76 


tF^^^^^^^m 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


Congressman!"  she  exclaimed,  as  she 
shook  my  hands  with  impulsive  cordial- 
ity. "It  has  been  such  a  stupid  afternoon! 
I  had  quite  decided  that  there  was  to  be 
no  happiness  in  store  for  me,  when  lo!  my 
good  fairy  sent  you  to  cheer  me  up.  Now, 
let's  settle  down  for  a  nice,  cozy  chat, — 
but  first,  I  am  going  to  reward  you  for 
coming  to  cheer  up  a  poor  old  lady  like 
me."  She  never  looked  more  charming 
as  she  selected  a  beautiful  flower  from  a 
vase  and  pinned  it  on  my  lapel. 

"Madam,"  I  said,  bowing  low,  "the  re- 
ward is  worth  coming  to  see  you  a  hun- 
dred times."  She  paused  a  moment,  then 
laughed  merrily  and  gave  a  final  pat  to 
the  flower. 

"You  are  a  perfect  dear.  I  always  know 
you  are  going  to  say  the  right  thing.  And 
%  77 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

now,  most  exalted  sir,  please  light  a  cigar 
and  imagine  you  are  quite  at  home." 

"That  would  be  impossible — here,"  I 
answered,  in  a  low  voice.  She  had  met 
my  wife  and  daughter,  and  at  once  under- 
stood the  compliment. 

"You  know  how  I  adore  the  fragrance 
of  a  good  cigar,"  she  said.  "I  was  brought 
up  in  a  family  of  smokers,  and  so  I  am 
quite  used  to  it."  So  I  lighted  one  that 
Senator  Octopus  had  given  me.  A  naval 
officer  who  had  just  returned  from  Cuba 
with  his  fleet  brought  a  thousand  for  the 
senator,  and  he  was  good  enough  to  pre- 
sent me  with  a  box. 

"Pumphrey,"  said  the  senator  when  he 
gave  them  to  me,  "I'm  going  to  have  a 
fresh  lot  when  the  cruiser  Syracuse  comes 
up  from  'Havana,  and  I  ordered  a  thou- 

78 


■^ 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

sand  for  you — each  cigar  with  your  initial 
on  the  label.  My  naval  friends  always 
bring  me  cigars  from  Cuba,  and  the  cost 
is  consequently  very  small."  Octopus  is 
on  the  naval  promotion  committee  in  the 
Senate. 

"It  has  a  delicious  fragrance,"  said 
Mrs.  Hawkesworth,  after  I  had  smoked 
for  some  moments.  "And  now  that  we're 
all  comfy,  my  dear  friend,  please  tell  me 
all  about  your  plans  for  the  summer;  Fm 
sure  you  have  some  interesting  ones,  and 
I'm  dying  to  hear  them.  Start  at  the  very 
beginning,  and  don't  leave  out  a  single 
word." 

I  was  just  about  to  begin  when  the  but- 
ler appeared  at  the  door — after  first 
knocking  discreetly.  He  announced  a 
caller.    Her   face   lighted   up   and  she 

79 


g^^g^^^y^^^-M 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY       t 


quickly  went  and  whispered  a  few  words 
to  the  butler.  I  thought  I  heard  her  say, 
"the  Sandman  is  here,"  and  assumed  that 
to  be  the  name  of  the  caller. 

"Well,  did  you  get  rid  of  him?"  I 
asked,  laughing,  as  she  returned  and  re- 
sumed her  seat. 

"Oh,  yes,  I  sent  word  that  I  was  laid  up 
with  un  mauvais  quart  d'heure,  and  so  I 
suppose  he  has  gone  on  his  way  rejoicing 
that  he  has  discharged  another  social  obli- 
gation. And  now  for  your  plans,  Mr. 
Pumphrey.  We  shall  not  be  disturbed 
again.  I'll  be  as  quiet  as  two  mice," — and 
she  wriggled  gracefully  into  a  dark  cor- 
ner of  the  divan,  partly  hidden  by  a  beau- 
tiful palm. 

"Well,"  said  I,  "we  are  sailing  in  July. 
Colonel  McNutt  of  the  National  Ship- 
80 


"  And  now  for  your  plans,  Mr.  Pumphrey.  We 
shall  not  be  disturbed  again.  I'll  be  as  quiet  as 
two  mice  "  (^pag,  So) 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

building  Company  has  invited  my  wife 
and  daughter  and  myself  to  go  over  on 
one  of  his  company's  new  freighters.  Sev- 
eral congressmen  are  going  to  make  the 
trip,  and  it  promises  to  be  a  gay  party. 
Lots  of  good  things  to  eat  and  lots  of 
things  to  wash  them  down  with.  The  colo- 
nel sent  me  my  tickets  to-day  just  before 
he  left  town.  McNutt  is  a  clever  man. 
He  sent  a  bright  little  note  and — "  She 
quickly  interrupted  me. 

"And,  of  course,  you  acknowledged  the 
tickets?" 

"Oh,  certainly;  he  asked  me  to  send 
him  a  line  to  let  him  know  that  they  had 
arrived  safely.  But  why  do  you  smile?" 

"Oh,  nothing.  Please  go  on.  What  did 
you  say  in  your  note?" 

"Oh,  I  acknowledged  the  receipt  of  the 

83 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

tickets  with  a  nice  note  of  thanks,  and 
wound  up  with  an  apt  quotation." 

*What  was  it — the  one  about  'bread 
cast  upon  the  waters'?"  she  asked,  smil- 
ing. 

"No,  I  gave  him  a  little  paraphrase  of 
Coleridge  about  Water,  water  every- 
where, and  we'll  not  have  to  drink  a 
drop.' " 

"How  perfectly  clever!  I'm  sure  the 
colonel  will  preserve  the  letter  with  great 
care — for  he  is  a  great  autograph  collec- 
tor. How  did  you  sign  it?" 

"Oh,  Tours  obediently,  E.  Joseph 
Pumphrey.'   But  why  do  you  ask?" 

"Oh,  just  because — a  woman's  reason." 

And  she  smiled  reflectively  for  quite  a 
long  time  at  her  little  quip. 


84 


W  Nl 


XIII 


Washington,  D.  C,  April  20. — I  had  a 
talk  with  my  wife  last  night.  She  had  just 
returned  from  a  bridge  party  at  Mrs.  Lin- 
den's, where  she  lost  twenty-two  dollars — 
and  that  after  taking  twenty-eight  lessons 
this  winter  in  an  expensive  bridge  class! 
Why,  she  has  been  doing  nothing  since  we 
arrived  in  Washington  but  study  bridge 
whist  and  practise  losing  money  at  these 
afternoon  schools  for  scandal.  With  Mar- 

85 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 


tha  crazy  about  bridge  and  Julia  studying 
French,  the  Pumphrey  exchequer  has  un- 
dergone a  steady  drain  during  the  last 
three  months — such  a  drain  that  it  seemed 
high  time  to  have  a  session  of  the  Ways 
and  Means  Committee. 

"Martha,  do  you  realize  that  a  con- 
gressman's salary  is  only  five  thousand 
dollars  a  year  and  that  we  are  supposed  to 
keep  our  expenses  within  that  amount?" 
She  started  up  apprehensively  and  said: 
"Why,  of  course."  So  I  continued. 
"Now  five  thousand  dollars  is  a  good  deal 
out  in  Minerva  Junction,  but  it  doesn't 
amount  to  much  here  in  Washington.  For 
over  thirty  years  that  has  been  the  con- 
gressional pay.  Everything  has  gone  up 
but  the  salary.  When  they  fixed  that  fig- 
ure thirty-two  years  ago  it  was  plenty  to 
86 


I  had  a  Httle  talk  with  my  wife  last  night.     She 

had  just  returned  from  a  bridge  party  at  Mrs.  Lin- 

^  den's,  where  she  lost  twenty-two  dqllars — and  that 

after  taking  twenty-eight  lessons  this  winter  in  an 

expensive  bridge  class!  (^Page  86)] 


^3 


^S 


THE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

live  on  in  Washington.  Rents  were  low, 
social  demands  were  not  great,  and  there 
were  only  a  few  ways  that  people  could 
spend  money.  A  congressman  could  bring 
his  family  here  and  rent  a  house  for  forty 
dollars,  keep  several  nigger  servants  and 
live  on  the  fat  of  the  land  with  money  in 
the  bank  at  the  end  of  the  year.  Nowa- 
days it  requires  a  lot  of  close  figuring  to 
make  five  thousand  dollars  carry  a  family 
through  the  year  unless  he  is  willing  to 
live  in  an  attic  and  do  his  own  washing. 
Rents  are  higher,  clothes  are  higher,  food 
is  higher,  social  demands  are  greater  and 
everything  has  gone  up  two  hundred  per 
cent,  except  the  salary.  My  club  bill 
amounts  to  nearly  one  hundred  dollars  a 
month.  Julia's  French  lessons  run  up  to 
thirty  dollars  a  month,  your  bridge  les- 

89 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 


sons  and  losings  reach  close  to  a  hundred, 
carriage  bills  run  up  to  forty  dollars,  and 
I  tell  you  there  isn't  a  great  deal  left  over 
for  such  trifles  as  food,  lodging  and 
clothes.  Every  few  days  some  friends 
from  home  drop  in,  and  if  I  didn't  invite 
j  them  to  dinner  they  would  go  home  sore. 
It  all  takes  money.  I  don't  know  how  we 
are  going  to  make  both  ends  meet,  Mar- 
tha." 

"My  goodness!"  she  exclaimed,  "won't 
Senator  Octopus  help  you  to  make  good 
investments?  He's  awfully  fond  of  us. 
Just  think  of  the  flowers  he  sent  when  I 
was  ill  in  January!" 

"I  suppose  he  would  if  I  asked  him, 
but  the  minute  anybody  knew  I  was  specu- 
lating they  would  say  I  had  been  bought 
out  body  and  soul  by  the  corporations.  A 

90 


iTHE  PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


congressman  can't  go  into  any  deal  on  the 
side  without  running  a  fearful  risk  these 
days.  Two  or  three  senators  have  been 
indicted  already  and  it's  getting  to  be  cer- 
tain suicide  for  a  congressman  to  do  any 
business  on  the  side.  I  might  be  able  to 
do  some  legal  work,  but  I  wouldn't  dare 
to  do  it  for  anybody  who  could  afford  to 
pay  me  a  respectable  figure.  The  only 
people  who  can  aflford  to  pay  a  respecta- 
ble figure  arc  the  corporations,  and  sev- 
eral congressmen  have  been  indicted  for 
doing  legal  work  for  corporations.  No,  I 
won't  dare  to  do  anything  before  I  am  re- 
elected." 

"Then  why  don't  you  introduce  a  bill  to 
have  your  salary  raised  to  ten  thousand 
dollars  a  year?" 

"Oh,  there'd  be  a  row  from  the  country. 
91; 


^ 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

Most  people  in  small  towns  think  five 
thousand  dollars  a  year  is  enough  for  any- 
body to  live  on,  and  it  would  be  in  a  small 
town;  but  it  certainly  is  not  enough  here 
in  Washington.  If  you're  honest  you  get 
in  debt  and  if  you're  dishonest  you  get  in 
jail.  So  I  wish  you'd  be  more  lucky  here- 
after in  your  bridge  playing."  And  with 
that  wise  advice  the  session  was  adjourned 
to  meet  daily  hereafter. 


V  Nl 


92 


XIV 

Washington,  D.  C,  April  27. — Oh,  in- 
gratitude, thy  name  is  Ed  Steele,  editor 
of  the  Minerva  Junction  Gadfly! 

After  wining  and  dining  that  Judas 
Iscariot  for  three  whole  days  in  Washing- 
ton— after  introducing  him  to  the  only 
people  of  real  quality  he  has  ever  been  al- 
lowed to  speak  to,  after  neglecting  my 
legislative  duties  for  three  days  to  enter- 
93 


CONGRESSMAN   EUMPHREY 

tain  him — ^what  does  this  ungrateful  viper 
do? 

Straight  as  a  buzzard  flies  to  its  carrion, 
this  false  Sextus  returns  to  his  home,  and, 
with  his  lips  still  moist  with  my  bounty, 
he  writes  about  me  thus :  Listen  to  this 
editorial  which  he  has  written  in  the  Gad- 
fly, the  unscrupulous  wretch  I 
"Dear  Readers : 

"We  have  been  down  to  Washington  to 
visit  The  People's  Friend,'  "  he  writes  in 
his  scurrilous  sheet,  "and  found  him 
intrenched  in  the  camp  of  the  money- 
changers, the  men  who  change  the  money 
from  the  people's  pockets  into  their  own. 
He  is  the  blind  fool  of  that  crafty  old 
Fagin,  Senator  Octopus,  but  he  doesn't 
realize  it.  He  was  going  down  to  Wash- 
ington to  rout  the  money-changers  from 

94 


Straight  as  a  buzzard  flies  to  its  carrion,  this  false 
Sextus  returns  to  his  home,  and,  with  his  lips  still 
moist  with  my  bounty,  he  writes  about  me 

{Page  94) 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

the  Temple  of  Liberty,  and  now  he  is  in 
with  them,  boot  and  glove,  body  and  soul, 
smoking  their  cigars,  drinking  their 
drinks,  and  feeding  his  inordinate  vanity 
on  the  crumbs  of  flattery  that  they  jest- 
ingly cast  down  to  him.  Oh,  Pumphrey, 
Pumphrey,  Pumphrey  I  Where  are  those 
noble  sentiments  that  we  beard  ringing 
from  your  lips,  the  day  you  left  your 
home  town  to  carry  the  sword  of  the  peo- 
ple against  the  mighty  vampires  who  are 
gorging  at  the  throat  of  American  free- 
dom and  justice? 

"He  introduced  us  to  his  friend  (!) 
Senator  Octopus!  ^Senator,'  said  the 
pompous  little  Pumphrey,  *I  want  to  in- 
troduce my  fellow  townsman,  Mr.  Ed- 
ward Steele,  who,  I'm  sure,  is  delighted 
to  meet  you.'  Yes,  that's  what  Pumphreyi 
97 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

said  as  he  introduced  me  to  the  prince  of 
pickpockets,  the  senator  who  has  conse- 
crated every  thought  and  energy  for  twen- 
ty years  toward  enriching  a  thousand 
vampires  at  the  expense  of  seventy  mil- 
lion people  who  have  to  depend  upon 
emasculated  invertebrates  of  the  Pum- 
phrey  breed  to  defend  their  interests  in 
the  halls  of  Congress. 

"We  took  a  good  look  at  the  senator,  for 
we  like  to  study  the  men  who  have  got  to 
the  top  in  their  profession,  whether  it  be 
piracy  or  poetry.  We  found  him  as  genial 
a  soul  as  we  ever  met,  we'll  say  that  much 
for  him,  and  we  can  understand  how  he 
could  wind  an  unsophisticated  fishworm 
like  the  Honorable  Tumph'  about  his  lit- 
tle finger.  If  we  had  a  strangle  hold  on 
the  American  public,  such  as  he  has,  weM 

98 


\V^   Nl 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


give  a  pretty  successful  imitation  of  geni- 
ality ourselves. 

"And  we  also  were  introduced  to  the 
Honorable  Colonel  Harrison  K.  Bunker, 
railroad  attorney,  who  is  in  Washington 
in  search  of  health — not  ours,  nor  yours, 
dear  readers,  nor  Pumphrey's,  but 
Tumph'  doesn't  know  it  yet.  He  is  there 
to  hoodwink  and  flimflam  a  lot  of  jay 
statesmen  like  Pumphrey  into  voting  for 
his  iniquitous  measures. 

"And  we  also  met  a  lot  more  of  Pum- 
phrey's new-found  friends,  and  there 
wasn't  one  of  them  who  was  not  working 
him,  or  trying  to,  for  something.  Oh, 
People's  Friend,  in  the  days  that  will 
come,  too  soon  for  you,  but  too  slow  for 
us,  the  wrathful  arm  of  this  great  district 
will  reach  down  in  the  muck  and  seize 

99 


g^^^3^ss=ay^ 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 


you  and  drag  you  forth  from  the  dregs  of 
Washington  and  drop  you  so  d —  hard 
that  the  echo  will  last  a  year." 

That  is  the  editorial  that  was  written 
about  me  by  that  ungrateful  insect.  But 
I'll  get  even  with  him.  Oh,  Til  go  after 
him  until  he  howls  like  a  jackal  caught  at 
his  carrion.  I'll  bring  him  to  his  knees 
until  he  begs  for  mercy,  the  treacherous 
l\i  hound! 


lOO 


XV 


Washington,  D.  C,  May  8. — I  had  a 
long  talk  with  Senator  Octopus  the  other 
day  about  the  savage  editorial  attacks  that 
Ed  Steele  has  been  making  on  me  in  the 
Minerva  Junction  Gadfly, 

"Senator/'  said  I,  "these  attacks  are 
worrying  me  and  I  want  to  do  something 
to  stop  them."  The  senator  smiled. 

"Why,  Pumphrey,"  said  he,  "my  ad- 
vice is  to  pay  no  attention  to  them.   Let 

lOI 


^^^^^^ 


■"SJ 


2^p^ 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

them  howl.  I  never  bother  my  head  about 
the  yawping  of  the  newspapers.  They've 
attacked  me  steadily  for  ten  years,  and 
I've  got  so  I  never  worry  at  all  about  it." 

"That's  well  enough  for  you  to  say, 
Senator,"  said  I.  "You  can  afiford  to  take 
that  stand,  because  you're  not  elected  by 
popular  vote.  You  are  in  a  position  to  tell 
the  voter  to  go  to  a  warmer  climate  as 
long  as  you  control  the  Legislature.  But 
with  me,  I  have  to  keep  in  touch  with  my 
constituents.  I  have  to  jolly  up  every 
Tom,  Dick,  and  Harry  in  the  district,  kiss 
the  babies  every  so  often,  know  all  the 
farmers  by  their  first  names,  remember 
whom  their  children  married,  send  seeds 
to  the  entire  voting  population,  and  in 
every  other  possible  way  keep  in  touch. 
When  a  newspaper  like  the  Gadfly  jumps 

102 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

on  to  me,  I've  got  to  sit  up  and  take  notice. 
I've  either  got  to  silence  it  or  do  some- 
thing to  offset  it." 

"Have  you  tried  the  ^scholarship' 
racket?"  asked  the  senator.  "That's  al- 
ways a  good  move.  Offer  a  hundred  dol- 
lars annual  prize  to  all  school-children 
for  the  best  composition  on  The  American 
Flag  or  some  other  popular  topic.  Call  it 
the  Tumphrey  Prize'  or  the  Tumphrey 
Free  Scholarship.'  Lots  of  our  congress- 
men do  that,  and  it  always  goes  well  with 
the  voters."  I  thanked  the  senator  for  the 
suggestion,  but  told  him  that  I  must  act 
in  a  quicker  and  more  direct  way. 

"You  know,  Senator,  that  there  isn't  a 

man  in  Congress  who  has  the  power  you 

have.   If  anybody  bucks  up  against  you, 

you  have  ways  of  bringing  him  to  time 

103 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

that  no  one  else  has.  Now,  I  want  you  to 
tell  mc  how  to  head  off  this  man  Steele." 
iThe  senator  smoked  for  a  few  moments. 
Then  he  spoke. 

"Who  has  the  county  prmting  in  your 
town?" 

"Steele,"  said  I,  and  I  began  to  see  what 
he  was  driving  at. 

"How  much  is  it  worth  a  year?" 

I  reckoned  about  three  thousand  five 
hundred  dollars. 

"When  is  the  contract  renewed?"  . 

"The  first  of  June  each  year,"  I  an- 
swered. Again  the  senator  smiled  com- 
placently. 

"Do  you  begin  to  see?"  he  asked  with  a 
wink. 

"I  can  catch  glimpses,"  I  answered, 
104 


"  I  want  you  to  tell  me  how  to  head  off  this  man 
Steele." 

^  The  senator  smoked  for  a  few  minutes.  Then  he 
spoke.  "Who  has  the  county  priiating  in  your 
town?*"  {Page  104) 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


also  winking.  The  senator's  face  hard- 
ened and  he  continued  in  a  brisk  voice. 

"Now,  my  theory  is  this,  Pumphrey. 
If  you  can  hit  a  man  on  his  most  vulner- 
able point,  which  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten 
is  his  pocketbook,  you  can  bring  him  to 
time  sooner  or  later.  Now,  I  know  Sen- 
ator Robson  of  your  state  very  well. 
Robson  is  indebted  to  me  for  several 
things.  IVe  traded  votes  with  him  on  sev- 
eral bills  which  affected  his  own  business 
interests.  He  also  wants  me  to  make  his 
son  an  attorney  on  a  railroad  in  which  I 
am  a  director.  Now,  how  strong  is  Rob- 
son's  influence  in  your  town?" 

"He  practically  owns  the  local  Repub- 
lican machine,"  I  answered. 

"Does  he  know  any  of  the  county  com- 

107 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 


missioners — the  men  who  give  out  the 
printing  contracts?" 

"Yes,"  said  I,  and  at  once  I  saw  how  we 
could  act. 

"One  of  the  commissioners  is  a  former 
law  partner  of  the  senator,"  I  said,  "and 
another  is  the  man  who  made  the  senator^s 
nominating  speech." 

"Good,"  said  Senator  Octopus,  in  a 
voice  that  said  plainly  that  all  was  settled 
already. 

"I'll  tell  Robson  to  swing  his  com- 
missioners around  so  they'll  refuse  to  re- 
new the  printing  contract  of  your  ram- 
bunctious editor  friend." 

A  few  days  later  Senator  Octopus  met 
me  in  the  Senate  restaurant  and  called 
out: 

"By  the  way,  Pumphrey,  I've  fixed  up 
io8 


IP"^ 


g^^^^:^^^ 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 


that  little  matter  for  you.  I  had  Rob- 
son  bring  a  little  pressure  to  bear  on  those 
commissioners  and  they  have  decided  to 
hold  up  the  printing  contract  until  they 
hear  from  him.  Now,  the  thing  for  you  to 
do  is  to  let  your  editor  friend  know  cas- 
ually what  youVe  got  up  your  sleeve,  and 
I  think  he'll  soon  come  to  time.'' 

I  could  hardly  speak  for  the  gratitude 
that  I  felt,  but  I  grasped  the  senator's 
hand  with  a  fervor  that  spoke  volumes. 

Octopus  is  a  wonder,  and  when  he  starts 
out  to  get  a  man  he  usually  succeeds.  His 
methods  are  wonderful  and  his  wires  lead 
underground  and  overground  to  every 
^  part  of  the  country.  I'd  hate  to  have  him 
gunning  for  mc. 


109 


XVI 


Washington,  D.  C,  May  20. — ^Well,  we 
brought  Mr.  Editor  Steele  to  time.  He's 
been  begging  like  a  whipped  dog. 

As  soon  as  he  found  that  the  cards  were 
stacked  against  him  he  saw  the  fine  Italian 
hand  of  E.  J.  Pumphrey,  and  he  began  to 
back  pedal.  The  first  evidence  was  a  two- 
column  portrait  of  myself  which  he 
printed  in  his  paper.  It  appeared  on  the 
first  page  under  the  caption :  "Prominent 
no 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

Men  in  the  Nation's  Capital — Hon.  E.  J. 
Pumphrey." 

A  week  later  he  reprinted  my  old 
speech  on  The  Flag,  stating  that  it  was 
reprinted  at  the  request  of  a  number  of 
his  readers.  He  called  it  a  gem  of  Amer- 
ican oratory.  I'm  beginning  to  feel  that, 
at  heart,  Steele  is  not  such  a  bad  fellow 
after  all. 

A  day  or  two  later  he  printed  an  edi- 
torial that  was  a  complete  capitulation. 
It  ran  something  like  this: 

"While  we  have  felt  impelled  on  one  or 
two  occasions  to  differ  from  the  judg- 
ment of  Mr.  Pumphrey,  we  wish  to  be 
absolutely  fair  to  that  distinguished  states- 
man. 'He  has,  perhaps,  done  things  which 
we  have  felt  inclined  to  criticize.  But,  as 
the  poet  says,  *To  err  is  human;  to  for- 
III 


Hk^  N 


CONGRESSMAN,  PUMPHREY 

give,  divine,'  and  we  forgive  him,  al- 
though we  don't  lay  claim  to  divinity  on 
that  score.  We  also  have  erred,  thereby 
proving  ourselves  to  be  human ;  and  when 
we  err  we  try  to  be  big  enough  to  ac- 
knowledge it. 

^'Mr.  Pumphrey's  record  in  Congress 
has  been  a  brilliant  one,"  and  so  on.  It 
was  a  complete  change  of  front. 

After  this  gradual,  but  none  the  less 
certain  switch  had  been  in  operation  in 
several  issues,  Steele  wrote  me  in  a  most 
chastened  spirit, 

"My  dear  Congressman,"  he  wrote ;  "If 
anybody  says  I  am  a  fool,  he  exaggerates. 
I  can  see  which  side  my  bread  is  buttered 
on,  and  my  eyesight  is  not  overly  good  at 
that   YouVe  got  me  licked,  Mr.  Con- 

112 


^f^ittftf"^    ^ 


I  showed  this  letter  to  Senator  Octopus,  and  he 
smiled  benevolently. 

**  He's  a  sensible  mam  Write  and  tell  him  that 

•    he  shall  get  his  contract  '*  V^a^i  1^2). 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

gressman.  Now  what  do  you  say  to  a  com- 
promise? I  want  that  printing  contract, 
and  if  I  don't  get  it  I'll  be  up  against  it 
good  and  plenty. 

"I  want  to  come  into  the  reservation. 
I'll  be  a  quiet  Indian,  if  not  a  good  one, 
and  you  need  not  fear  any  further  hostil- 
ity in  the  columns  of  my  paper.  But  I 
must  have  that  printing  contract.  What 
do  you  say? 

"Yours  very  truly, 

"Edward  Steele." 


I  showed  this  letter  to  Senator  Octopus, 
and  he  smiled  benevolently. 

"He's  a  sensible  man.   Write  and  tell 

him  that  he  shall  get  his  contract,  and  say 

you  hope  he  will  always  be  your  friend. 

Don't  say  anything  about  bringing  him  to 

IIS 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY; 

time.  There's  no  goodf  in  rubbing  it  in  on 
a  man  when  your  object  is  accomplished. 
Write  a  real  nice,  friendly  letter." 

"I'll  do  it,  Senator,"  said  I,  and  I  felt 
my  voice  tremble;  "and  I  want  to  thank 
you — ^with  all  my  heart.  You've  certainly 
been  a  good  friend  to  me,  and  I  hope  I 
can  sometime  show  my  gratitude  by  do- 
ing you  a  service." 

"Don't  mention  it,  Pumphrey.  Come 
and  let's  get  a  drink." 


ii6 


M 

f^SLl 

^ro 

mi 

ir  J/o  1 

rm\ 

1;  o/^r^f  i]  1 

V  ^ 

lK^  (^^\^^^ 

XVII 

Washington,  D.  C,  May  27.— We  had 
a  friendly  little  game  of  poker  last  night, 
Senator  Octopus,  Colonel  Bunker,  and  a 
gentleman  from  New  York — I  didn't 
catch  his  name — and,  as  usual,  my  luck 
was  with  me.  Octopus  and  Bunker  al- 
'  ways  lose  when  I  play  with  them,  and  the 
New  Yorker  didn't  seem  to  pay  much  at- 
tention to  the  game. 

I  cleaned  up  a  little  over  a  thousand 
.117 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 


dollars — making  something  over  six 
thousand  that  I've  won  from  the  senator 
and  Bunker  since  December.  Probably 
I  ought  to  feel  good.  Octopus  asked  me 
if  I  didn't  have  a  son. 

"Yes,"  said  I,  with  considerable  pride. 
"I  have  one  of  the  finest  boys  on  the  foot- 
stool. He  graduates  from  our  state  uni- 
versity in  June." 

"Well,  Pumphrey,"  said  the  senator, 
"I've  taken  a  fancy  to  you,  and  if  he's 
anything  like  you  I  want  him  to  learn  the 
railroad  business  on  my  road.  We'll  make 
a  millionaire  of  him  in  a  few  years,  and 
he'll  soon  be  able  to  buy  and  sell  us  all." 

The  senator  laughed  genially  as  he  said 
this,  and  I  laughed,  too,  for  Octopus  is 
good  for  twenty  million  at  least.  Later  in 
the  game  the  senator  said  he  wanted  my 

ii8 


^ 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

wife  and  daughter  and  me  to  spend  a 
couple  of  weeks  at  his  country  house  next 
fall,  after  we  returned  from  Europe. 

"My  wife  will  be  delighted  to  have  you 
and  Mrs.  Pumphrey,  and  your  daughter 
and  my  son  can  do  lots  of  horseback  rid- 
ing and  sailing.  We  old  fogies,  Pum- 
phrey, can  sit  around  in  the  hammocks 
and  boss  the  festivities." 

This  ought  to  make  any  man  feel  good, 
but,  on  the  contrary,  I've  been  blue  and 
depressed  all  day.  The  reason  is  this: 
After  the  poker  game  had  broken  up,  at 
about  midnight,  Colonel  Bunker  and  the 
New  York  man  left  for  their  hotel.  The 
senator  started  to  go,  and  as  he  was  put- 
ting on  his  coat  he  paused  as  if  he  had  for- 
gotten something. 

"Oh,  by  the  way,  Joe,"  he  said — it  was 
119 


^ir^^^^^^^^ 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 

the  first  time  he  had  ever  called  me  by 
my  first  name — *'I  knew  there  was  some- 
thing I  wanted  to  speak  to  you  about.  Vd 
almost  forgotten  it.  I  want  you  to  do  a 
little  favor  for  me.  It's  about  a  little  bill 
I  want  you  to  introduce  in  the  House." 

"Certainly,  Senator,"  said  I,  "you  know 
I'll  be  only  too  glad  to  do  you  a  favor." 

"Well,"  said  he  slowly,  "it's  about  the 
Old  Soldiers'  Home  in  your  district.  As 
you  know,  the  grounds  and  farm  occupy 
about  four  hundred  acres  on  the  river. 
I'd  like  you  to  introduce  a  bill  to  move  the 
home  to  a  different  part  of  the  state — any- 
where, it  doesn't  matter.  For  certain  rea- 
sons, some  friends  of  mine  want  to  get  the 
property  now  occupied  by;  the  Soldiers' 
Home." 

"Can't  you  make  yourself  a  little 
1 20 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

clearer,  Seiiator?  I  don't  grasp  the  situa- 
tion." 

"Well,  Pumphrey,  I'll  be  candid. 
About  a  year  ago  wc  were  reliably  in- 
formed that  there  are  very  valuable  cop- 
per deposits  on  those  grounds.  My  in- 
formants tell  me  that  it  is  worth  several 
millions.  Of  course,  nobody  out  there 
knows  how  valuable  that  land  is,  and  we 
don't  want  them  to  know  until  we  get  pos- 
session. You  are  on  the  House  committee 
on  national  soldiers'  homes,  and  you  can 
easily  work  the  thing  through  the  com- 
mittee. After  that  it  can  be  rushed 
through  the  House  without  difficulty. 
You  can  make  a  speech  and  the  thing  will 
be  done.  There  are  several  reasons  why 
you  are  the  man  to  put  the  matter 
through.  In  the  first  place,  you  are  an  old 
•  I2i: 


CONGRESSMAN   PUMPHREY 

soldier;  in  the  second  place,  you  are  from 
a  farming  community  and  from  the  state 
where  the  home  is  located.  Consequently, 
there  will  be  no  reason  to  suspect — that  is, 
the  whole  thing  will  be  quite  natural." 

I  don't  know  what  I  said,  and  the  next 
thing  I  knew  the  senator  was  saying  good 
night. 

"I'll  send  a  copy  of  the  bill  around  to- 
morrow. And  we'll  have  some  more 
poker  in  a  day  or  two."  And  with  that  he 
was  gone. 

I  didn't  sleep  a  wink  all  night.  To-day 
I  went  to  see  Mrs.  Hawkesworth,  but  they 
said  she  was  out.  I  haven't  found  her  at 
home  since  the  statehood  bill  was  settled, 
although  I've  called  there  a  number  of 
times.  I  wanted  to  ask  her  advice.  I  can't 
refuse  Octopus,  although  it  will  be  politi- 

122. 


I  can*t  refuse  Octopus,  although  it  will  be  po- 
litical suicide  for  me  to  work  that  bill   through 
^Congress  (Page  122) 


£. 


THE   PEOPLE'S   FRIEND 

cal  suicide  for  me  to  work  that  bill 
through  Congress.  The  matter  is  bound 
to  come  out,  and  I'll  not  show  up  in  a  very 
favorable  light  when  the  real  significance 
of  the  deal  becomes  known. 

Every  soldier,  every  farmer,  and  nearly 
every  newspaper  in  the  country  will  be  up 
in  arms.  And  yet  what  can  I  do? 

Octopus  has  done  me  a  thousand  fa- 
vors, and  I  don't  see  how  I  can  refuse  him. 
He  can  make  my  son's  future.  He  can 
give  my  wife  social  prestige.  He  can 
throw  great  financial  opportunities  my 
way.  By  retaining  his  friendship  wc  can 
doubtless  marry  off  our  daughter  well, 
'^  possibly  to  his  own  son. 

I  seem  to  have  reached  the  most  critical 
point  of  my  life.  Which  shall  it  be — the 
senator  with  wealth,  social  prestige,  a 
125 


7^> 


Ik'  Ml 


CONGRESSMAN  PUMPHREY 


brilliant  marriage,  a  sure  future,  or  the 
people,  without  those  things?  I  shall  lay 
the  two  sides  of  the  matter  before  my  wife 
and  do  as  she  advises. 


THE  END 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 
BERKELEY 


Return  to  desk  from  which  borrowed. 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


JAN  20  1948 
LIBRARY  use 

FEB  11 1962 

FEB  11 1962 

IN  STACKS 

FEB  2  1 1962 
REC'D  LD 

FEB  Z  6 1962 


LD  21-100m-9,'47(A5702sl6)476 


////' 


